Zen and the Art of Battling Cancer

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧  WARNING: Music Nerd Post  ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

Not long ago, I was having a conversation about music with a good friend of mine. My friend and I have enjoyed numerous great conversations about music over the 30 years that we've known each other. In this instance, we found ourselves talking about how some music gets past us and, on the other side of that coin, the ups and downs of only recently discovering "older" music. This led to a brief discussion of some other self-imposed frustrations we put on ourselves.

It got me thinking about how my listening habits have changed, influenced by my battle with cancer for the past year. It's safe to say that this battle has changed me in several ways, both physical and mental/emotional, and our conversation made me want to try to articulate how the past year has changed my listening habits. 

Since I’ve been sick, I’ve really embraced spontaneity in my listening habits like never before. If a post about a record or a band makes me curious (or nostalgic) I give it a listen. If something trips a trigger and invites me down into a deep musical rabbit hole, I willingly follow it in. Life is short, and none of us will ever hear all the music. Listen as you please.

I realize that the ability to stream music makes the aforementioned easy to do. I would never have been unable to listen so spontaneously even a decade or so ago. I'm a big fan of streaming music for all the investigating and experimenting you can do with such ease. (To anyone reading this who might also be sensitive to the ways in which many streaming services pay so little to the artists whose work they stream, rest assured that I often support artists I really like financially.)

Sometimes things don't trip any triggers with me. In the past I might "try" to like it with further listens, especially if it's getting good reviews. Now, if something doesn’t hit me, I might just try it again later... or I might not. Sometimes it works “later” and sometimes not, but that’s okay too. It's all okay. There are no rules.

My friend and I share a common frustration (or would "sense of wonder" be more accurate?) about certain music slipping past our radar and then "discovering" that music much later on. Here's an example: One of my sweet spots in the world of jazz is small group sessions from the late 50s and early 60s. Most of this came out before I was born. Sometimes when I listen to it, I’m both overwhelmed at how great some of that music is but also frustrated that I didn’t even know it was out there until decades later!

It was a low key frustration, to be sure, but I've never liked missing out on things musical. These days, I’m convinced that such late discoveries only enhance my daily listening experiences. New musical surprises… only of older music. I realize that my previous frustrations were entirely self-induced, but it's still nice to be free of them.

There's a Zen-like, go-with-the-flow theme emerging here. Music has been incredibly therapeutic for me since I got sick. It helped bring me out of some very dark places. I value it now more than ever ... and I already valued it a great deal! I’m not going to give a second thought to how timely I discovered something, whether or not I "should" like it, how much I know about it, or even whether I'm streaming or listening to physical media sources to hear it. 

Life is too short for all of that, except music itself.

100 Days

It has now been 100 days since my last chemo infusion on October 1, 2024. That seems like a good excuse for an update. 

I've alluded to this in previous entries, but I'm astounded at how long recovery from chemo takes. Over three months from my last infusion and I'm still weak, feeble, and my balance is terrible. I've only just recently stopped using my cane around the house for stability, but I still get around like an old man and make frequent use of countertops and door jams to maintain stability.

I just turned 62 but I feel much more like 72+ these days. Seriously.

My hair is taking an incredibly long time to grow back. I think I mentioned this in the previous post but my glacially slow hair regrowth has turned into a gauge for my healing in general. I've been very frustrated that I'm not getting better any faster than this, and my wife reminds me that my hair regrowth is a visual indicator of how long it's taking my body to recover from the chemo. That has helped me be more patient, at least to an extent. 

Matters of fact: At 100 days after my last infusion, I have 1/4" to 1/2" hairs growing on most of my head, eyebrows, mustache, cheeks, arms, and chest. (I was no gorilla before I got sick but I was a kind of hairy guy, making the loss of hair very apparent.) At a distance, I still look mostly hairless. Only my chin hair seems to be growing enough to be obvious.

Somewhere in the middle of my chemotherapy, at the end of some of those rounds, I felt well enough to go for short hikes now and then. I expected that to happen during the last week of round five and six, but the accumulation of Docetaxel in my system had built up enough that I never saw "better" days during those rounds. Little did I expect, though, that I had so much in me it would take many more months to recover once chemo was over. It will be interesting (in a somewhat perverse way) to find how long it will actually take before I feel like my old self again. At times I wonder if I will ever feel like my old self again.

In better news, I started physical therapy, and I've been working on some things that definitely seem to be making a difference in terms of strength and balance. In addition, just in the past week or so, I've started to do a few upper body exercises on the Total Gym that I bought about a year ago. (At the time I bought it, I thought I was really run down and out of shape, and it was winter. I didn't realize cancer was spreading through my body and making me feel that way.)

My physical therapy exercises are focused on hip and balance issues right now. All lower body work. My upper body was always the stronger half of me but I still want to get back some of what I lost through last year's ordeal. That's the Total Gym's job right now. I'm also happy to report that, even though I'm only doing about a dozen repetitions of a handful of exercises, it's not wiping me out. The smallest amount of exercise was wiping me out from February 2024 onward. It's nice to feel that I'm finally at least well enough to handle some minor exercises. It's been a while!

One last thing. I'm still on my anti-testosterone hormone drugs. I will likely remain on those drugs. I really have to wonder how big a role those are playing in my overall lack of strength and stamina. They've got to be playing some role!